nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
he was CRYING into my vagina
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
