hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
