Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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