Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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