The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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