if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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