i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
