i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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