You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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