I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
