I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
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We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
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She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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