3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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