I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
