My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
