dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
