Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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