Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
