y did u give ur computer a hand job?
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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