We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
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