GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
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