Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
