i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
