I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Randomize
