you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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