Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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