Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
