He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
