Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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