I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
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