One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
