she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
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Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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