I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
