I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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