Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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