just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
FUCK WHALES
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
