I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Randomize
