I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
