I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
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Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
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I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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