just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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