I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
