Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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