my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
