so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
