I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
