How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
