The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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