mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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