May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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