like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
