I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
