From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize