Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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