I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
