The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
