He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
