Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
you're hired as official boob wrangler
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
