It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
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