I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
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I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
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I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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