so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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