instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
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