Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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