So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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