I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
