nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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