he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
